FUNNY: The top 10 lists

Our greatest hits

These Top 10s are the best, the worst, the weirdest, the funniest, and the saddest lists in the collection. I update this page at the end of every year.

The original Top 10 lists of 2001-2005 were the genesis of the world’s first grocery lists book, Milk Eggs Vodka: Grocery Lists Lost & Found. If you think these are funny, the book’s even better. I swear. If you don’t think these are funny, then buy the book for someone you don’t like.


2013
 | It ain’t easy being sleazy! Here’s to 2014.

3677

  1. List #3253: Alright, hon—based on your reading list I think you need to start buying hot salsa.
  2. List #3609: Classic kiddo sabotage!
  3. List #3511: If you’re not even buying any food, what does it matter?
  4. List #3672: Sorry.
  5. List #3677: Bottom left. It’s hard to see, but try.
  6. List #3551: I love visual lists.
  7. List #3113: Bro list.
  8. List #1814: Success!
  9. List #3666: This is a test.
  10. List #3673: Um, maybe furk you?


2012 | I didn’t update this page in 2011 so now I am fully rested and able to post a new Top 10 awesomest grocery lists of the year! Woot.

3131
31 Dec 2012 | This set’s got some good ones in it. A couple of them aren’t really grocery lists but they’re worth it. Happy New Year!

  1. List #3174: Whatever is going on here I want to be part of it.
  2. List #2206: I like to imagine the list-maker reading this out loud. He starts off in a normal voice saying, “Salad mix, ginger, vinegar,” and with each word their voice gets deeper and more demonlike, and by “BLOOD” they are yelling at the top of their lungs and when they get to “COMCAST” they raise their arms and they’ve turned into a hate-filled Troll-sized Man-crow then each feather pops out, freezes in mid-air for a moment, then explodes into a mini black hole and each black hole collapses to a point, pauses, opens up a little then shoots out 100 shrieking crows straight into your eyeballs and you suddenly regret having called Customer Service.
  3. List #3112: Ah! A very good example of what we in the grocery list collecting business like to call a ‘Donkey Dick Easter Egg!’ Donkey Dick Easter Egg. I’m gonna name my new band Donkey Dick Easter Egg.
  4. List #2308: Yeah, whatever you do, don’t buy any actual healthy snacks — just buy 100 calorie portions of shitfood (Related: Turds & kids?).
  5. List #3284: Whatever is going on here I want to be part of this too.
  6. List #3296: Let’s play a game. It’s called “Find the Funny!”
  7. List #3104: Looks like someone needs a prescription for… Jesus! Or Apollo. Or Yahweh. Or Zeus. Or Krishna. Or Buddha. Or Allah. Or Zoroaster. Or Horus. Or Amaterasu. Or Vishnu. Or Mercury. Or Asase Ya. Or Chiuta. Or Prishiboro. Or Quetzalcoatl. Or Illapa. Or Pacha Camac. Or Ao. Or Tangaroa. Or Oro. Or Odin. Or Nasr. Or Beelshaman. You get my point. No wonder they’re an athiest. There are just way too many gods to choose from.
  8. List #3109: This one’s a Top 10’r simply because it’s 80 years old. Happy you’re still with us, old timer!
  9. List #3219: If the only food you’re buying is sugar, it’s no wonder that even this family’s teeth are sick.
  10. List #3131: I just really truly love the fun in this.


2010 | Again, for what feels like the 100 millionth againth time! Top 10! Woo!


31 Dec 2010 | Not gonna make much of a fuss about this this year, so here it is: The Top 10 found grocery lists of 2010.

  1. List #2201: Someone has that awesome Bow Wow Wow song stuck in their head.
  2. List #2216: What aisle is *that* in?
  3. List #2247: Gross.
  4. List #2221: Any list that contains ammo, beer and Sudafed is a party I’m not going to.
  5. List #2228: I may be pretty sick, but I still want beer.
  6. List #2203: Becuz halving funn with speling iz awlways ffun!
  7. List #2238: Aside from looking pretty close to a fast food shopping list, it’s the item three from the bottom of the right that made me giggle. Looks like it says ‘jock itch’ — haha, jock itch. Jock. Itch. Say it over and over a few times like Will Ferrell would. Jock itch. Jockity jock jock, itchity itchy itch.
  8. List #2217: For that sassy cat of yours.
  9. List #2211: I thought being drunk only affected your ability to enunciate clearly, not spell (Read this one out loud).
  10. List #2204: Yeah, this one’s totally NSFW, so if you’re offended by crude, immature language about body parts I suggest you click here instead.


2009 | Happy freakin’ new year!


29 Dec 2009 | It still is what it is. But this year’s Top 10 collection is probably at least 17% better than last year’s. Why? Because I’m eating fish tacos and drinking Belgian beer! Happy New Year!

  1. List #2001: Aside from the lame-ass pansy baking powder, what isn’t awesome about this list? (Editor’s note: We love baking powder. And pansies who use it.)
  2. List #2100: Regarding item #21… THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS!
  3. List #2008: Onyuns? $1.99 per pound. Soffed butta? $3.47. Chapp Stixes? $1.29. Having fun with your grocery list? Almost as priceless as avoiding clichéd “priceless” jokes!
  4. List #2101: It’s sad, it’s cute, it’s endearing, it’s sweet. That’s all.
  5. List #2023: Because any list that has “panties” on it is a Top 10 list in my book.
  6. List #2016: Sometimes your purple gets all dirty (maybe that’s why you need new panties). Hey, everyone’s purple gets dirty sometimes.
  7. List #2043: Talk about pouring salt in wounds. Dayyyyyyyyyyuuuuuummmmmmmm.
  8. List #2119: Let me get this straight. Two of the three things on your shopping list are things you can get for free at home?
  9. List #2014: OK. I give up. Are “weniors” old weenies? Little hot dogs? Ween fans almost out of high school? Small elderly people? High-ranking babies? Hmmmmm. Weniors. Weniors.
  10. List #2022: 12.) Reconsider using beverages to clean my body and/or reconsider drinking shower gel. 13.) Seriously, SHOOT THE PISTOL I AM WOUND A BIT TOO TIGHT I MUST SHOOT SOMETHING HOPEFULLY NOT PEOPLE OR THAT DEMANDING ISAAC.


2008 | Yet another year-end roundup


28 Dec 2008 | It is what it is.

  1. List #1719: It’s that special, secret ingredient that makes momma’s spaghetti so, so good.
  2. List #1703: These are best type of avocado — they selflessly plead the causes of others; defend or maintain causes or proposals; and support or promote the interests of others. Nice advocado.
  3. List #1711: Ewww. You forgot ‘gum.’
  4. List #1137: The perfect New Year’s Eve recipe: Drink a lot, take naughty pictures, vomit into toilet, clean up.
  5. List #1737: What, you don’t like my Schwetty Balls?
  6. List #1131: That’s a real powerful addiction: Cigarettes AND nicotine gum.
  7. List #1738: Seriously, this is a Very Important Message.
  8. List #1127: Seems normal enough, until you learn the backstory: This list was dropped by a shoplifter.
  9. List #1321: “You for-got your cou-pon, you for-got your cou-pon,” (sung in taunting voice).
  10. List #1177: Oh, you were doing so good! Such healthy food — then we flip the list over and see ‘Lard.’


2007 | Another year-end roundup


31 Dec 2007 | And that’s another year gone, much like my best jokes. What, you were waiting for something else?

  1. List #1261: Hmmm. Considering this is New Year’s Eve, I’d say this person has a pretty damn awesome night lined up, even if they are going solo and doing a little math on the side.
  2. List #1642: This one’s pretty awesome too. Maybe they should get together with #1?
  3. Again, no third-best list this year. What are the chances?!?
  4. List #1648: Nice. Self-directed sarcasm, bad dogs. Keeping it real. And very alone.
  5. List #805: There’s beer, then there’s… (PS: Hey Georgia, nice job naming your towns!)
  6. List #1002: Yay! Pigeon for dinner! (I know what they were really buying so please don’t write to tell me that you are smarter than I am. KTHXBYE.)
  7. List #1121: Just because.
  8. List #1207: I can make out “gum,” “pop” and “TV dinners.” I’ll assume the other things are unhealthy too.
  9. List #1304: To bruff yer teef.
  10. List #1705: If not for the “slab o’ ribs,” then maybe for the “whiskey,” or at the very least the “Boobs – cooked.”


2006 | Year-end roundup


8 Dec 2006 | This is the final 2006 edition of our sort-of semi-annual, kinda-traditional year-end roundup of great discarded lists. So without further ado, we present The Best Found Grocery Lists of 2006!

  1. List #1138: “Tush cleaner” (!)
  2. List #1199: If you read this the right way, it looks like they were shopping for “dog bacon” and “cat sausage.”
  3. Sorry, there’s no 3rd-best list.
  4. List #1231: This must be a shopping list for Jim Jarmusch’s new film, “Formula and Cigarettes.” If not, I feel sorry for that poor baby. Stop smoking, bad mom!
  5. List #1331: I get the feeling someone’s having a very bad day.
  6. List #1140: Multi-tasking is good. You can go grocery shopping and remind yourself that it’s not your fault you’re a loser at the same time! (See note at bottom of list.)
  7. List #1116: And if Alexis is not good, she has to settle for lobster and Alaskan King Crab.
  8. List #1301: Wash for your what?!
  9. List #1368: “I never met a wine I didn’t like (except for Quail Ridge, Tortoise Creek, Carpineto and Latour Pinot Noir.)”
  10. List #1114: All I need to tell you is that this list was found in West Virginia. It’s like the joke writes itself!
  11. List #1286: Well, duh.


2006 | A compilation for a celebration


13 May 2006 | Hello, friends. It’s Top 10 Time again! This is a special Top 10, because this is the first Top 10 we’ve put together since we inked a book deal with HOW Books to whip up a real live book based on this grocery list collection. Do we rule? Yeah, we do. Now send your lists to me, but be sure to pre-order the book on Amazon first!

  1. List #1054: “Next time you go shopping, please get some buttmilk. I like the store-bought much better than my homemade stuff.”
  2. List #1096: At least it doesn’t say “Gin (for work).”
  3. List #1030: Heart attack. Check.
  4. List #1008: I know this should be a #1 list — but part of me is skeptical, and part of me is sympathetic. I mean, English is a pretty difficult language. (In other words: Holy crap.)
  5. List #1006: I forget why I thought this should be a Top 10 list. Probably because it says “condoms.” Or “shreeded wheat.” Oh well. [UPDATE: Several kind readers inform me it’s probably because “oatmeal flavored” appears right under “condoms.” Ding! Thanks, I must’ve been asleep when I did this Top 10 list.]
  6. List #553: So we can pour some milk and “drink” on the ground for Brock. :-(
  7. List #605: WTF!?
  8. List #557: No comment, because I have no idea. [UPDATE: Kind reader Grace informs me this is written in Korean. Thanks!]
  9. List #563: I can’t believe it’s not better either, but for $1.19 — who cares?!
  10. List #200: Not a grocery list, but a hunter’s to-do list. I mean, the marriage is pretty much doomed if you have to remind yourself to “Say goodbye to wife” — right? (And you must not be very good at hunting if you have to remind yourself to kill the deer. Twice.) [UPDATE: Kind reader Karen informs me Killdeer is a town in North Dakota, but I like it my way better. Thanks!]


2005 | Year-end roundup


28 Nov 2005 | So, in what has become a notorious, almost-annual round-up of lists of note, we shall now note lists of some notoriety… and to make this even more scandalous, nearly all of these were suggested by you, the readers!

  1. List #505: “Oreo B Interdental Refills” — now I don’t know what an interdental refill is, but I am sure they are more fun to use if they’re made out of Oreos. Also, “bourbin.”
  2. List #508: Supper? I do not know of this thing you call “Supper.” I will have cheese instead.
  3. List #462: Where exactly do you work, my dear?
  4. List #701: Your standard PMS shopping list.
  5. List #849: Aaahhhhhhhhhh! Your life freakin’ sucks, my friend.
  6. List #617: But your life will be better after you find that plastic surgeon.
  7. List #615: If only for the “puffy iron-on letters.”
  8. List #509: Remember to throw the soda cans on the ground after you’re done with them!
  9. List #514: Um, how do you spell sheik? Oh yeah, I need toothpaste.
  10. List #539: Funny seeing the Grocer’s Apostrophe used on a grocery list.


2004 | Year-end roundup


26 Nov 2004 | After we were written up in The New York Times, I felt obliged to make a new Top 10 list. A month later.

  1. List #407: Hmmmm. Did God tell me to use the knife? Or was it the hatchet?!
  2. List #336: “Popcycles” — they’re cold … and FAST!!!
  3. List #391: What, there’s no Spanish word for Swiffer?!
  4. List #382: Just for the variety.
  5. List #299: This was submitted, so it may be faked. If not, it’s kind of funny! (Ass soap, dog yogurt, gay midget porn).
  6. List #384: If not for the the fact that they actually bought Vanilla Schnapps, then for the fact that they listed “junkfood” — as one word, even.
  7. List #331: Don’t forget the 7-Up, dammit.
  8. List #365: For the worst spelling of “bananas” so far.
  9. List #329: “& whatever else you might want” — sweet!
  10. List #449: Now, if you know you’re having spaghetti, why do you even need to make this list?


2003 | Top 10 #2


20 Apr 2003 | Spring, and a snarky attitude, was in the air.

  1. List #270: I like this list because someone is obviously trying to start a new home.
  2. List #286: Cool! A drunken smoking milkshake party! Fun!
  3. List #273: “Nest Tea.” NEW IMPROVED FLAVOR! Now with EVEN MORE bird droppings!
  4. List #275: Do you think Kay and Al like it when people just come over to their house and take their stuff?
  5. List #232: When they ggo to the ggrocery store, I gguess they always gget a lot of hot doggs and hamburgger.
  6. List #267: I guess they *really* needed toilet paper.
  7. List #287: Just the basics. Now that’s the life.
  8. List #228: You better be brushing your teeth if that’s all you eat.
  9. List #240: Straight-Edge caffeine freak?
  10. List #155: Good thing dentures don’t get cavities.


2001 | The original Top 10


7 Jan 2001 | Some say the only really funny Top 10. Whatever.

  1. List #126: Huge thanks to Jennifer for sending this in. Many others agree that [this is good].
  2. List #38: Two words: “poop bags.”
  3. List #36: I really like the distinction between “Bud Light” and “good beer.”
  4. List #7: This person needed to buy hangers for hanging up close in their closet! That’s right, they need “close hangers!!!”
  5. List #9: “Suchi and strimp.” I love seafood too!
  6. At the moment, there is no list worthy of being #6.
  7. List #15: Two cans of “cream of salary soup.” Now that’s just like eating money.
  8. List #20: I swear it looks like the last thing on the list is a naughty word. [UPDATE! A visitor informs me that it probably says Tuck’s Medicated Pads!]
  9. List #58: I just like how it could’ve been read “212 packs of ice cream bars” rather than “2 12-packs of ice cream bars.”
  10. List #50: “No lunch meat.”

Hey!

Did you see a funny one in the collection that hasn’t made the Top 10 yet? Want to contribute lists to the collection? Email me and let me know.