YOU: Letters to the editor

Once a year, we pick an awesome email (or maybe two) and publish it! Why just once a year? We’re lazy. Plus, we don’t want to encourage you to be mean.

P.S. You can send grocery lists and love and/or hate mail here: grocerylists.org/contact.


2013

Susan to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 3:12 AM | 11/18/13

Dear Bill, We owned and operated a potato farm with our 3 teenage boys and one daughter. The crop often required irrigation at 4:30 AM, so I found it most useful to post messages ( in black Magic Marker)on the refrigerator:

“The roast beef is “Not Legal” (do not make sandwiches).
WILL KILL
Love, Mom

Another, on a bathroom door, kept my visiting Mother out of that room (and almost out of the house): “Dog in Heat; Yogurt making-Keep door shut!” The Lists Book is most perceptive archeology.

My thanks,
Susan


2012

Sandra to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 8:53 AM | 7/27/12

Subject: OCD Grocery Lists

Message: At the risk of opening myself up to extreme ridicule (or, in the alternative, to be ignored because while odd they are simply not odd enough) I would like to send you my grocery lists. For the past 5 years, I have kept an excel spreadsheet that includes a tab for each grocery excursion. The price of each item is listed, and each item is in chronological order of the store. I also include meal plans on the right, as well aw meals I could make with the items already in my fridge. I frequently add how many servings I should get from each item. It was certainly a better example of true OCD lists than those included in your book. If interested, send me your email and I will forward it on. On the condition of anonymity of course, as I have not edited it and they certainly don’t make me appear “normal.” Although, after reading your book, what is normal?


2011

JenniferAwayFind to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 8:51 AM | 12/1/11

made-a-mess
I am such a fan of your book & I vowed that if I ever found a funny list I’d send it in to you guys! I found this list in a shopping basket at Dollar General in SC yesterday. All I could think of is some lady ruined a nice pair of panties! haha ;)

ps. It was written on the back of a torn piece of paper from a collection agency, but I had to photocopy it to a piece of white paper in order to scan it to you.

Hope you get a good chuckle like I did!


2010

Aundria to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 10:52 PM | 12/7/10

I cannot believe i’ve only now found your website!

Haha.. I collect grocery list i find. From anywhere, target, albertsons, anything.. I love it, its fun for some reason. I like looking at other peoples handwritings, randomness of their necessities, buncha stuff..

Anywhooo.. I never thought anything of it until in passing i told the lady i work for about it. She collects flamingos and angels, figured id tell her i collect shopping lists i find. Bad move. She said that there must be something wrong with me and to google ‘why do i collect shopping lists?’ when i get home.. So i a little offended, but i did it..

And it lead me to your awesome website!!

now i cannot wait to buy your book! :D

And then give her your link! :D haha seriously im like ecstatic that ive found your website (: its the bestest thing everrrrrr

once i get my ol’ scanner working, im sending you all my lists that i have :D


2009

Valérie to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 9:52 AM | 4/14/09

Hi,

I just discovered your website a few days ago and have been going through it since.

I’m a Creative Writing student and I’m currently working on my final portfolio of the year for my poetry workshop and a picture of yours inspired a very strange poem and I was wondering if it would be possible to have a copy of that picture to include with the poem. It’s in your “100 pieces of paper” project – the flyer that reads “It’s true – I like to poop”.

Thanks!

Valérie

Bill Keaggy to Valérie
Sent at 8:12 AM | 4/18/09

Sure, Valerie! The image is attached. Would it be possible for you to send me the poem so I may read it?

Thanks,
bk

Valérie to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 8:19 PM | 5/4/09

Hey bk,

Sorry for the delay, I’ve been out of the country and away from a computer for a couple weeks now.

Thanks so much for the picture, I think it really helps emphasize the silliness of the poem. So here it is, obviously not one of my most sophisticated poems but enjoy!

It’s true – I like to poop.
Usually with a burning
cigarette in hand
while I make faces
in foggy mirrors,
laughing at the joke inside my head.
I sit and read the news of the day
and the problems of the hour
as I clench my teeth and squeeze my cheeks
and wait for that final satisfying plop.

Val


Matthew to Bill Keaggy
1:52 PM 3/16/09

I am a Casting Associate Producer for ABC families hit reality show ‘Wife Swap.’ We are currently casting for our fifth season and we are looking for a great family that is extremely passionate about collecting. We pride ourselves on casting a wide array of families…families from all different walks of life who would like the opportunity to educate the viewing audience about their particular parenting philosophy, their beliefs and their way of life.

The premise of Wife Swap is simple: for seven days, two wives from two different families with very different values exchange husbands, children and lives (but not bedrooms) to discover what it’s like to live a different family’s life. It’s an interesting social experiment and a great way to see your family in a whole new light. It is shot as a documentary series, so NO scripts and no set. It’s just one camera that is documenting your life.

Families that appear on the show will receive a financial honorarium for lost wages, time and commitment. And if you refer a family that appears on the show you would receive $1000.

Here at ‘Wife Swap’ we look for a two-parent home with at least one child between the ages of 6 and 17 living at home full time.

If you are interested, please contact me ASAP and tell me a little about your family. Or if you would like to refer a family, please email me their contact information and I will be in touch.

Thank you!
Matthew


2008

Janet to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 8:54 AM | 8/12/08

Hi,

Just looked at your grocery list a friend sent – unfortunately there is no way I can afford “bullion cubes”, but “bouillon cubes” would be useful and affordable (maybe even worth their weight in gold!).

From an ‘old fogey’ who on more than one occasion got 100% on spelling tests and exams.

Janet

Bill Keaggy to Janet
9:55 AM | 9/14/08

Hi Janet.

Since I dish I it out in the book (making fun of poor spelling) I should be able to take it. Thanks for letting me know about this mistake in a funny way. I’ve updated the list (and corrected another spelling error you missed: Burrito vs buritto!).

Cheers,
bk

Karen to Bill Keaggy
9:19 AM 9/6/08

As much fun as grocery lists: checking out weird combinations of stuff the people in line at the store have, such as the lady with Immodium, buttwipes, Tp, magazines….we know where she is going to spend the day!


2007

Kathleen to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 12:33 PM | 2/13/07

my friend thought you may get a kick out of this.  i rarely forward this stuff, but it did make me laugh & think of you!!!

A Woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, you must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “‘Cause you’re ugly.”


2006

Ms. Johnson to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 12:30 PM | 12/3/06

Dear Sir or Madame,

I received a letter from a person telling me that a grocery list with my name and address was on your web site. #517. Please remove my name and address or the complete list if that isn’t possible. How did you get this List?!!! I am thankful that a complete stinger took the time to mail me a copy of this with a letter telling me about your web site. If you have any questions concerning this please email me. I will be checking to see that you have taken care of this matter.

Sincerely
Ms. Johnson


Hugh to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 7:33 PM | 12/8/06

I remember the swap meet as a child not unlike the drive-in movie theatre it was the same location. I thought it was the original source fer nacho chips. Either shortly after dusk er Sunday mornings I parrtook in the delights o’ nacho cheese chips.

Then me family moved ta a more rural arrea wharr the likes o’ Seven Eleven ‘n’ other convenience marrkets which carrried their versions o’ nacho cheese ‘n’ chips, I became an avid fan ‘n’ regularr consumer. ARR!…I’m not attractive! Instead o’ servin’ the cheese from a pump behind the counter, it was dispensed at a condoubloonnts counter along with chili ‘n’ sliced jalapeño peppers. I wonder how the cheese sauce made it over the counter ta the customer side. It was heaven. I could put as much nacho cheese sauce on me chips as I wanted. Shiver me timbers! So, ye know what, I could be found standin’ by the dispenser addin’ more cheese ta me tray as space permitted.

I did try once nacho cheese at home. That be handsome Pete! He dances fer nickels! It was only available in number ten cans makin’ the portion o’ cheese so overwhelmin’ larrge I could never finish. I know the product could only be found commercially. Why I thought I could eat a whole can I do not know. I covered the huge can with plastic ta prevent the cheese from dryin’ out. But, it was no use I could not use that much ‘n’ a skin formed on the surface turnin’ the cheese ta a rather unappetizin’ tan color.

I’m not sure just when it was that I stopped seekin’ this here as me favorite snack. ARR!…I’m not attractive! I imagine some ol’ corsair found sufficient thickness o’ thought about the nacho cheese that she took the cheese produce as a concept into ‘er realm o’ private things. Blow the man down. me process o’ enjoyment was either me own perceptions as ta its availability er tharr was a progression about which I was parrticipatin’ in. Somethin’ like “the Nacho mutiny.” The nacho cheese as a complement with chips ta this here day remains popularr, but ta some degree it has a place among other snack foods many o’ which be just as hearrty.


2005

Mary to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 4:45 AM | 12/31/05

why are you wasting precious time digging other people’s shopping lists. I mean, really what’s the point?

Mary

Bill Keaggy to Mary
Sent at 8:59 AM | 12/31/05

1. Fun.
2. Fame.
3. Fortune.

I really do it just for fun, but the fame and fortune are nice perks.

It’s also nice to get emails from complete strangers who question my personal projects and hobbies, while they’re surfing the web in the middle of the night.

Cheers,
bk

Mary to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 12:12 PM | 12/31/05

I do apologize. I was feeling rather high and mighty (more high than mighty, unfortunately). I have no right to judge anyone or their interests and I am truly sorry. I hope you have a wonderful new year and are not plagued by inconsiderate jerks like myself too often.

Sincerely,
Mary


Tara to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 10:28 PM | 11/16/2004

Bill,

I am an associate producer at Jimmy Kimmel Live on ABC Television. I am following up on an e-mail sent to you by Lesley, one of our interns.

After reading an article on the grocery lists that you collect, I thought you might make an interesting individual to talk to either in studio or via satellite remote.

If you are interested in being considered for a possible guest segment on our show, please feel free to submit a 5 minute VHS tape of yourself explaining and showing your many grocery lists.

Please add a brief introduction (name, age, where you’re from, when and how you became interested in collecting, etc.) before you go to your lists, should you decide to submit a videotape.

If you have questions, please feel free to contact me at this address.

Thank you very much.

Regards,
Tara


2004

Jade to Bill Keaggy
Sent at 3:10 AM | 12/29/2004

Hi. I found you in Bizarre and just had to look at your site.

I used to collect lists and religious tracts. The spelling in those is about as bad but the content far more disturbing. I collect the wheel weights that fall off cars at roundabouts, and toy ladybugs. Not that you need to know that.

I used to go out with a guy who collected kangaroos spines, and he lived with a girl who collected shopping trolleys.

Any way what im getting at is i think youre really hot.

:)

Jade

ive enclosed a pic of me with one of my toy ladybugs. And…a shopping list.

im not mad.

Editor’s note: Unfortunately I cannot show you the pic of Jade. It involved nudity and a compromising position with a large stuffed ladybug.


Emails prior to 2004 are being scoured for greatness.